THE FIFTH DAY OF CHAOS

Larry’s seasonal selection of stuffed animals.

On the fifth day of chaos…

Facebook Post:
Who’s got a case of the Mondays? Boooo. Back to the grind. It’s my husband’s birthday! Let’s celebrate!

Reality Check:
Hallelujah! It’s Monday! Best. Day. Ever. The 12 assorted pumpkins and gourds finally hit the compost bin last night. Larry’s going to need therapy after parting with them. Better find a child therapist for an emergency session.

5:00 a.m.: My peaceful workout awaits. Wait, why are the Christmas lights on downstairs? My husband doesn’t turn them on when he gets up. Larry does… oh no.

5:05 a.m.: Larry’s going to work out with me. No, you can not use weights and jump in the air Larry. You are 8. A seasonal selection of stuffed animals makes their way into the Man Cave to join us as Larry’s weights.

5:10 a.m.: Chucky is now up. A Disney selection of stuff animals also joins the party as Chucky’s weights.

6:00 a.m.: Workout is disjointed but completed. Chucky throws a fit over… what was it? I don’t remember. Does there need to be a reason?

6:15 a.m.: Chucky’s apology tour of the day begins. He disappears to write a note so he can make amends with me. Well at least we can add “sorry” to the list of sight words that Chucky knows. You’re welcome Chucky’s teacher.

6:30 a.m. What’s that sound the faucet is making? Better add the plumber to the list of calls for today. Come to think of it I never heard back from the electrician.

7:00 a.m.: Check delivery status of top secret delivery from Santa via FedEx. What’s that you say? The delivery is now coming today? Surprise!

8:55 a.m.: Electrician calls as I am trying to get the kids to brush their teeth and out the door to school. Unfortunately, I have to send him to voicemail.

9:15 a.m.: Ahhh silence. The kids are at school. I love Monday. Electrician’s message says he will call again tomorrow after they finalize schedules for next week.

9:45 a.m.: FedEx delivers a shipment of brand new “I give up wear” a.k.a. yoga pants to me. Happy Birthday to my husband. I am going to be sporting some very sexy seasonal red yoga pants tonight.

9:50 a.m.: FedEx delivers top secret Santa package to neighbors… finally.

10:45 a.m.: Annual eye exam. God I hate that puff of air test. I can’t stop blinking so they can get the test completed. If I didn’t need my eyesight so badly I wouldn’t do that test. It’s worse than a mammogram.

11:30 a.m.: Eye exam complete. New glasses picked out. Must have extra pair that I can lose in my purse. My throat hurts. I cannot be getting sick.

12:00 p.m.: Stop at favorite ramen restaurant en route home to do a pre-emptive strike on the sore throat. The ramen is delicious but the people next to me are highly annoying. I am dining alone and the tables are about 6 inches apart so I can’t tune them out.

12:15 p.m.: Accidentally knock my entire giant glass of water over. Really, it was an accident. A light spray hits the annoying people next to me. The servers decide to move them so they can mop up the water under their table. That’s too bad. I was so enjoying their company.

1:00 p.m.: I return home to finish final birthday preparations for the evening.

3:00 p.m.: Birthday cupcakes are completed. Requested roast beef is ready to go in the oven. Mashed potatoes are done. Even if dinner doesn’t turn out, there will be cupcakes!

3:40 p.m.: Shuttle service from school to Tae Kwan Do commences. Kids get their belt awards and give cute, thoughtful speeches. That’s not going to last tonight. I will enjoy the moment.

4:55 p.m.: Shuttle service home from Tae Kwan Do.

5:30 p.m.: Birthday dinner begins. Huge success!

6:30 p.m.: Chucky melts down because he can’t watch any more TV. He refuses to bathe. He continues to whine about TV. Larry’s in the shower and writes “Too Bad” on the glass. We are glad he’s using the correct version of “too.” Kudos to his teacher.

7:30 p.m.: Kids are out. My husband can enjoy the rest of his birthday in peace.