The Walk Through 2022
“I’m telling you, it is not easy. It is never easy. But it’s worth it. ”
Well here we are again at the conclusion of another year and the beginning of a new one. As I reflected back on 2022 during the past couple of weeks amidst the speeding train that is the holiday season - I realized that 2022 flew by. In some ways, I felt a little bit defeated but as I dug deeper… I realized I was hopeful too. 2022 had similar expectations of 2021 for me - that it would be better than 2020, that it would be different than 2020, but in many ways it was not and it was actually worse. Don’t get me wrong, I have A LOT to be grateful for and there were many happy times but it’s been a tough year. I know many of you can relate.
I am one of those people that operates well with lists and goals and while I usually set those at the beginning of the year as New Year’s resolutions - I also find that around my birthday at the beginning of April that there is second sense of renewal for me so sometimes I set goals and expectations for change for myself at that time of the year too.
While I slid into 2022 flying high, by the time I reached my 45th birthday in April I was pretty broken. I didn’t have a sense of purpose. I didn’t have some big quest or journey planned. My “44 Things That Spark Joy aka Sh*t That Makes Me Happy” share on Facebook was at it's conclusion. Other than my day to day tasks as a mom and wife, I was barely putting one foot in front of the other. I was still getting up at my usual self mandated 5:00 a.m. to work out but I wasn’t finding that to be all that restorative and most days I was just going through the motions. Any additional attempts at self care were thwarted by fighting kids, endless chores, unfinished projects, and other miscellaneous minor catastrophes and disasters. By mid May, I felt like a shell of myself. I went on a Girls Weekend to one of my favorite destinations with my best friend and during one of our many conversations she asked me what I was going to do in the next year. I had no answers and I felt like a failure.
At that point, I called my therapist. It was time to return to seeing her and hopefully gather a few of her helpful tidbits of wisdom that I always seem to find in my sessions with her. I also polled various people in my life and told them I was lost. Did they have advice? Any tips? Any ideas for me? Although my complaints were well received and I was shown compassion and concern by many in my tribe - my younger sister provided the most helpful advice. She said, “Maybe this isn’t a year of having a specific task or mission Cara. Maybe this is a year of exploration for you. Maybe you won’t accomplish something great that checks some big box but maybe you will just explore.” And so I sat with that idea… for weeks. My sister had given me an important revelation but my therapist also pointed out something really important too. I couldn’t go on the way I was going. I was doing it all. I was not asking for help. I was exhausting myself. So I started to ask the hard questions. What did I want to do? What would fill my bucket? Who could I ask for support?
The first thing I did was ask for more support at home from our kids. They were draining both my husband and I to no end and I personally felt like the hired help. While my husband was busy working, I was waiting on them hand and foot and when my husband wasn’t working - he was picking up the slack on what I couldn’t get done. The days of them being “too little” to do chores, to be more self-sufficient and to help themselves with certain things were over. We called a family meeting and I broke down in the middle of it. I think a display of “Mom is not okay… so step it up kids” really hit home for them. We started to implement change. While I didn’t have any other big breakthroughs or find a bunch of other concrete goals for myself in the months that followed, the one goal that I did set at the beginning of the year was to walk every day in addition to my morning workout. I have previously joked about my “Rage Walks” but I really do enjoy walking and I wanted to take it a step further. I set a step goal of 15,000 steps a day, to walk for at least 45 minutes each day and to reach a monthly distance goal of 75 miles or more. If I got nothing else accomplished in a given day, I would at least I would accomplish this.
And so I walked. Every. Single. Day.
I walked in the rain. I walked in the snow. I walked in the wind. I walked in the summer heat. And I walked many, many days here with the Pacific Northwest clouds overhead. I mostly walked outdoors but when I couldn’t because it was too rainy, too icy or too cold - I walked indoors on our treadmill. I walked in the dark. I walked in the light. I walked at sunrise and and I walked at sunset.
I walked around the block by our house. I walked by Lake Sammamish. I walked the track during my kids sporting events. I walked in other nearby neighborhoods. I walked in Maui. I walked in Seabrook. I walked in Newport Beach. I walked in Disneyland. I even walked the last day of the year in an airport waiting for our flight because I refused to give up on the last day.
I walked on the day after I had my first colonoscopy. I walked (slowly) the day after I broke my toe. I walked with migraines, pms, colds and the flu. I walked on days of pure exhaustion with the kids. I walked on days I was filled with anxiety, stress and worry. I walked on ALL of the days. All 365.
Some days I walked because I just needed a change of scenery. Some days I walked and phoned a family member or friend. Some days I listened to an audio book or a podcast while I walked. Some days I needed to walk with people in person and some days I needed to walk alone with my thoughts. Some days I walked while I pushed my mom around her memory care facility in her wheel chair and rambled on to fill the void between her growing silence. Some days I walked with the boys and the dog around our block just to keep another fight from breaking out or to pass the time before school started each morning. Some days I walked to get away from the noise of the construction that seemed to go on and on and on in our backyard. Some days I power walked quickly. Some days I walked slow. Some days I barely walked at all. But I moved every day and put one foot in front of the other no matter if I was feeling it or not.
What I found was that not only did I walk through 2022 physically but metaphorically as well. And what I learned on my journey was this:
I learned that I need to slow down sometimes. It’s better to do one thing well and do it slowly than to do 49 things that are half assed. (Cue my dad’s voice in my ear saying “If it’s not done right… it’s not worth doing!”)
I learned that I need to listen to that voice in my head and that sometimes it takes a while for that voice to tell you the right path to take. So just wait until it feels right. Don’t rush it.
I learned that I love “my people” and they fill my bucket in a million different ways. I need to see them. I need to talk to them. I need to FaceTime with them. I need to call them. I need to cherish and enjoy them.
I learned that life is short and you never know when it’s going to change on a dime.
I learned that I love to do things for other people that makes them smile but that I also need to take time for myself once in a while.
Most importantly…I learned that I need to ask for help, for what I want, for what I need and that most importantly… I am still learning and growing.
I was recently watching a new show on Hulu called "Fleishman Is in Trouble." There was a line in an episode that stuck with me and I thought it summed up what I was going through this past year and maybe for many of you as well. So I leave you with this:
“To survive is to evolve. To evolve is to move forward. And to move forward is to recover.”
Today I am taking a well deserved day of rest for the first time in 365 days. And while I have no expectations or grand plans for 2023 yet - I am okay with that. I survived 2022. I evolved in 2022. I am moving forward and I will recover in 2023.
Thank you to all of you that supported me in 2022. Happy New Year Everyone!
