The Door
“Yes, I’ll stay. Until the door opens.”
On April 1st, my dear friend and the mother of our boys “third brother” - at the young age of 43 lost her short and aggressive battle with cancer. This loss has left an unimaginable hole in the lives of all that she touched and has shaken many of us to the core. I had learned of her diagnosis just 4 weeks earlier. At that point the prognosis was that with treatment she had anywhere from a few months to a few years to live. The shock of losing her just four short weeks later has been overwhelming to me and I am still processing it all. Her presence is still felt and she has appeared to me in many different ways this past month. While I don’t always know what I believe as far as religion, the after-life or anything in those realms - I can say that I believe in signs. I don’t know what her exact beliefs were but one thing is for sure - I know she believed in the magic of Disney.
My friend and I didn’t grow up together. We didn’t have shared memories from college or our younger, crazier single days. We didn’t even have any pictures together, just the two of us. The many pictures that document our time that we did spend together are all of our children laughing, playing, making faces at the camera and goofing off. These memories were made at parks, at birthday parties, while our kids were at daycare and in summer camp together and even during a few holiday themed outings. We were two moms, making memories with our kids, too busy to get a picture of ourselves. The pictures of them smiling back at us behind the camera meant that she and I were probably laughing and exchanging eye rolls over the shenanigans that were unfolding in front of us.
She and I became friends when our paths crossed in “the motherhood” and in that respect we were forever bonded in a unique way. Having children changes your life and being “in it” with other moms creates a special kind of friendship. You are in the trenches existing on little sleep amid diapers, tantrums, never ending demands and pure mental exhaustion. The trials and tribulations of living through many facets and phases of parenthood are not for the faint of heart. When you find others that are in it alongside you, you band together. My friend and I were able to support one another over the years by finding the humor in many of these situations related to parenting and it is one of the many things that I will truly miss about her presence in my life.
Sadly due to life’s demands, she and I had not been able to get together in person for some time. We did however connect regularly via text. Our signature “wave” emoji was often exchanged in the quiet of the early morning over a cup of coffee before our dear offspring had risen. For us, the wave was the check in sign that meant “Hi Friend, I am still here. How are you?” I know some days it was all either of us could manage with everything that we had going on right in front of us - but it was a symbol that we were thinking of the other. In addition to missing her wicked sense of humor, I also miss sending and receiving that morning wave and I often catch myself forgetting that I can no longer text her.
When I learned of her illness, I thought I had some time and that I would go see her when her treatment was underway. I had hoped that I would be able to support her and her family with thoughtful gestures as they navigated the uncertain waters ahead. I had even started putting together a list of things we wanted to do to help she and her family in the months ahead - both practical and silly because that’s what our friendship was based on. Love and light is what she had requested and I was happy to provide it. Alas, that cruel beast that is cancer had other unexpected plans. My list would not be carried out in the way I had hoped.
Upon receiving word that she had taken a quick and unexpected turn for the worse and that the months to years prediction was now only a few days, I was devastated. How could this be? Those in my moms group circle that knew her wrote heartfelt emails and texts to let her know how much she meant to us - myself included. It was all we knew to do - to send the love and the light. As she continued to decline and we were told that she would pass sometime in the next day or so I felt even more crushed. I thought about how scared she must be and how much pain she was probably in. I was devastated for her family - especially her husband and son and the huge loss that they were about to experience. I was also heartbroken that I would lose my friend and that I had not had a chance to spend more time with her recently. She was a touchstone that I thought would always be there. I felt helpless and paralyzed but my head was also spinning in many directions all at the same time.
Normally in times like these, I go into an over-production mode. I get out the bleach to clean or organize something around the house. Get something done and it will distract me. As another friend of mine that is very wise always says, “Control the controllable.” But for some reason in this case and due to a recent vow to myself to slow down a little more often, I decided to just abandon any plans I had that afternoon and feel it. I climbed into bed, sat with this news and decided to simply watch a movie.
I thought if my friend was here with me, what movie would we watch together? I knew that she liked Hallmark movies as she often mentioned watching them during our early morning check in ritual. However, she and I had bonded over the years as Disney enthusiasts so I knew a Disney movie was more likely the answer.
I looked back through the pictures she had texted me over the last few years and was reminded that she participated in several of the Disney Marathon Weekends. For those of you that aren’t familiar, many of the participants not only run through the parks at dawn but are usually in a Disney themed costume or ensemble while doing so. One of her costumes was a running outfit that looked like one of the Mary Poppins Returns ensembles that Emily Blunt wore. Upon seeing this photo again, it triggered the memory that I had also made a Mary Poppins paper party hat for my friend on her 40th Birthday. I thought, Mary Poppins Returns. This is the movie to watch.
I had not seen the movie since its release in 2018. I found as I started to watch it that I had forgotten many of the details that made up the reprise of the storyline and characters. Mary Poppins returns to help the Banks Family because the now grown up Michael Banks’ wife and his children’s mother has passed away. At first, this upset me and I almost turned the movie off as I realized the similarity that my friend too would be passing away leaving a similar void in her family.. but I sucked up my tears and continued to watch.
One of the other details that I had forgotten were the terms of the agreement with Mary Poppins to care for the next generation of the Banks children. She tells the children that she will stay but when a door opens, it would be time for her to go. The line is, “Yes, I’ll stay. Until the door opens.” At the end of the movie after all of their adventures with and lessons from Mary Poppins, the Banks family is now in a better place in many ways but most of all - emotionally. The family returns from a carnival in the park smiling and laughing and a gust of wind blows the front door open to the house. Jane Banks turns to her brother Michael and says, “She’s gone, hasn’t she Michael.” He nods and she is in fact gone - lifted off through the clouds by her umbrella.
On the morning after I watched Mary Poppins Returns, I was up at my usual o’dark thirty hour working out. I checked my phone and there were no new updates from my friend’s family. I always close the door to the room I work out in so that I don’t wake up my husband and certainly so I don’t trigger my little darlings to rise any earlier than they already do. I had the window open for fresh air even though it was cold outside but there was no wind and the trees looked completely still to me.
About half way through my workout, the interior door across the room from the window blew open. I thought for sure it was Larry coming to find me as he is my earliest riser. I let out a big sigh anticipating the negotiating I was going to have to endure from him to have screen time before the mandated hour at our house because it was well before that time. But as I waited for him to enter, I realized that no one was there. I paused my workout video, walked over, looked into the empty hallway and slowly shut the door. It immediately hit me, was this THE door opening? Was it her time to go? Had my friend gone?
The following morning, I received word from her husband that she had passed away peacefully in her sleep the night before. As I received the news, I realized that the door opening that morning was in fact a sign. A sign perhaps only to me. She stayed until the door opened and then later that evening it was time for her to go. Maybe it really was a coincidence and in my anticipated grief I was looking for a sign to comfort me but I have to think that there’s the possibility it wasn’t. After all, shouldn’t we all believe in a little magic? My friend certainly did.
A few days later, I was out burning time at the mall while I waited for my car to be serviced. I rarely go to the mall anymore as I do much of my shopping online. Forgetting we were so close to Easter, I entered to find the holiday hut set up in the center for the mall photos offering a photo op with the Easter Bunny. As I looked up above the stand, I saw a cheerful, colorful, cascading display of umbrellas above the photo area. As I walked by the windows of a store - more colorful umbrellas were on display. They were clearly meant to be a sign of Spring but again, to me, in that moment, during that week, it was a sign of both Mary Poppins and my friend. What timing I thought.
Loss and grief is one of the toughest roads to navigate I have found. Much like parenthood, there is no road map. All of its phases are hard. It’s even harder to find the lessons in what is always unfair when you lose someone. The time you spent with them is never enough and it leaves you with a thirst for more that can not be quenched. I am still trying to find the lessons in this tragic loss and I hope they become clear to me in the days ahead. For now, I just know that I miss my friend.
I have found some comfort and a few smiles in the ways that she has appeared to me this last month. To me it’s a sign that she is okay. When I shared the news that she was passing with my boys they both had some wise words for me. Larry just looked at me and said, “Mom it’s going to be okay. Do you hear me? It’s going to be okay.” And Chucky’s response to the news was, “Mom, she’s going to have a great life in heaven.” I think my friend would have loved both of these tidbits of wisdom from my old soul Larry and Chucky who is the life of the party. Love and light… even the boys followed your directions my friend. Well done Lady.
To you my dear friend: I hope that on the other side of the door, you have found peace and comfort. I hope that wherever you are headed next that there are no lines for the rides, the coffee is flowing, the dole whips are a-plenty and there is a Top Pot with the seasonal pumpkin donuts you liked on every corner. I will continue to look for the umbrellas, the wind, the doors, the birds and most of all - the magic. Godspeed my friend. We will save you a seat on the other side of the table. I love you.